Moving away from “cheap” and “expensive”
As I initiated my mindfulness practice today, with the phone application Calm (which I warmly recommend), I had a déjà–vu which pleased me and gave me connection and purpose. While I had perceived similarities between mindfulness sessions and NVC before, it had never been this clear to me. The mindfulness coach talked about judgment, how we often use less useful language which contains judgment, and how we can try to move towards less “judgmental” language to experience shifts in our body. She mentioned specific examples of judgment, such as “cheap” and “expensive” and “late” and “on time”, which are not necessarily perceived as judgment by many individuals. Still, in NVC we consider them to be, as they are comparisons or “ratings” of something versus something else.
Maybe exactly because these words were mentioned, and because the “typical” examples of judgment such as “good” vs “bad” or “beautiful” and “ugly” were not used as examples this time, I found the connection to NVC particularly relevant. In NVC, we try to remove all judgment and stay with the observation – what (f)actually happened, as recorded by a camera or a microphone. I have also seen these very examples used in NVC sessions, and I have often used them when I share empathetic communication in my workshops, precisely to show that I think judgments go far beyond what we might think of other people (“stupid”, “arrogant”, “kind”, “wonderful” and others). Very often we judge ourselves and events and situations, as well. Such moralistic judgments are not useful to anyone. (I want to explore this more in a later blog entry, as there are times where I find that valuing things is very useful.)
Don´t do anything you “have to” do!
And then, the coach mentioned that we often use words such as “should”, “have/ought to” and “must”, and I felt even more joy. These are the exact phrases we choose to stay away from in NVC and which we would rather replace with “choose to” – to check our intention and our desire to do something. Using “I choose to” helps ensure that we only do things joyfully and willingly to meet a need, and not out of obligation, duty, shame or guilt, by force or through pressure. It brought me a lot of connection, purpose and joy and helped me think even more about how much I enjoy continuing this joint path – joint between NVC and mindfulness.
What are your thoughts? Are there many “bad” people and things in your life? And are there many things in life you simply “have to do” and cannot “choose (not) to do”?
Everyday Empathy 
An enlightening post. I was having a conversation with a good friend at the weekend about making (negative / critical) judgements of others in day-to-day life (not critical situations!) and how it helps nobody, especially the person passing the judgement! We concluded we have nothing to gain by thinking negative things about others (even if we feel that person’s personality is grating etc.) and that ultimately it brings you down too…. Outcome : less negative thinking should lead to more positive feelings in all parts of your life. Not rocket science…but it was our own little revelation.
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Thank you, Elinor. I very much like what you write, as it brings me understanding and connection. What I particularly enjoyed about your post is the fact that it actually affects us, as well, and often even more. Thinking “judgmentally”, as you said, gives room for negative thoughts in our system and in order to feel better, we need to make a special effort to “get rid of them”. Also, when our judgments about other people are because they haven´t “done what they should” or we are not “happy with them”, our judgments are, in fact, the last thing that will get us what we want.
In these cases, I find that self-empathy helps, finding out why I react so seriously (what need is not being met here?) and mourning over the fact that I tried to meet another need (understanding, efficiency, trust?) when judging the other person. Being aware of this, and sitting with it, may allow me to move on to empathy for the other. What needs were they trying to meet with their (to me) “unpleasant” behaviour? When I can guess that (as I will often not be able to ask them), I often feel relief, as I can see the beauty in what they are trying to achieve.
For example, as I checked into an apartment the other day, the receptionist could not find my reservation (done through an online company). Previously, I would get angry, speak about “bad service” and think “what incompetent people!” Sure, that might scare them into helping me, particularly if I threaten with speaking to the manager, and create negative thoughts for myself. As she was trying to call the “middleman (yes, he as a man :)) to find out what went wrong between the booking company and the apart hotel, I could have said: “Look at my reservation here! Give me a room, and you work it out among yourselves later!” What I tried to do instead was trying to empathise – she was perhaps needing security (for her job), order (not overbooking) and harmony/ease (with the client).
Knowing that (or guessing that she might need that), I immediately calmed down. Having empathised with my own (unmet) needs for efficiency, order, trust and acknowledgement, I was able to “see her”. It took a few minutes of my patience until she managed to confirm with the middleman that the reservation had gone through (but he hadn´t yet sent the e-mail to the apart hotel). However, those few minutes of my time and empathy saved me an hour of “grumpy Gert” afterwards (and I would be alone with him!), and probably helped her go through the next minutes with ease, as well.
A long reply, as I was inspired by what you said. Thank you once again! I enjoyed this “dialogue” for the learning, the clarity, the connection and the personal development.
Empathetically, Gert
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Tried the calm app and wanted to thank you for the tip, it’s great. I agree with you in most things, but I was at dinner with a friend the other day and she was an hour late. Have to say I didn’t feel judgmental when I called her late that day 😉
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